Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
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Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.