Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
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You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
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Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
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I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.