[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
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A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.