[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
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wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
