SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
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If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure