SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
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I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
*lost my marbles*
Weighs myself
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.