SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
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Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
God, I love Scotland
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”