@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
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Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I like crazy people until they notice me
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I know a bad idea when I see one.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Me, in DM rooms…
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆