@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
You Might Also Like
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet