Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
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A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
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astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
My what?
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.