Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
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There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
This is true.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.
3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.