Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
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I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
started wrapping my pills in cheese
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE