Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
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I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
SF is the wild wild west man
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Why soy sad?
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.