Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
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The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Lol
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.