Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
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KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.