Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay

🐦

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.

MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids

You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals

[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]

*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

Cashiers are always checking me out

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.

Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.

Me: i thought it was three?

Genie: taxes.

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho