Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”

A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.

I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you

me: [pulls covers over head] your move

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?

Me: Yeah! Slept.

Husband: Correct, good night.

Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?

Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”

MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

YES MY CHILD

Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range

They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.

WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say

My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it

I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.

Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe

Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.