Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
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If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*