Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!

Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?

Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.

[day 8 of quarantine]

me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time

monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here

me:

monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again

monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*

son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

Me: Your sandwiches are ready

16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*

Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten

16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

S M O L

my one true gender

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.