Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?

Her: awww. Like the day we met?

Him: No, before that.

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.

Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”

Manager: Great! What will it do?

Developer: The opposite of that.

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule

[Arriving at party]

Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?

Me: I was told “infancy dress”.

Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

I’m trying to write.

My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.

I’m trying to write.

The dog is barking at the hammer noise.

I’m trying to write.

Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.

…I’m trying to write.

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*

Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday

[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]

him: hey what’s up

me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4

[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.

🫶

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.