Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take

Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math

Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.

Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…

being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad

[army training]

Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog

i love modern commerce