Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects

my bed: [chuckles darkly]

Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.

“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”

Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix

I just noticed a label on the bottom today

It’s a soup bowl

Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why

[Heaven]

Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch

Guy at urinal next to me:

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman