Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me:

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this

2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.

wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa

Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.

Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever

if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

[having a discussion]

BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again

Haha! 😂

“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”

*Kanye slowly sits down*

I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.