Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along

*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude

Cop:

Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner

[dark movie theater]

me: *opens soda can*

them:

me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*

them: Shhhh

me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*

1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…

Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.

Executioner: This is literally your last meal.

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”

wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

Me: I’ll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes

Me: I KNEW IT