Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless

Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.

Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out

The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.

Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!

Him:

Me:

Him: that’s a plastic produce bag

Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!

my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.

Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

wut hotdog?

I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

HER: hey, do u come here often?

ME: all the time

HER: do u know if the bartender is single?