Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

oh she’s cooked

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

“I’m doing good, how are you?”

-Me lying out of my lying liar hole

For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”

I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.

I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.

Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.

I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no

My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

What do you call a moose with no name?

Anonymoose