Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?

Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.

People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?

MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

[first date]

Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.

Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.

Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”

I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company

My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.

Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

ME: *lying on deathbed*

DEATH: get off my bed

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.

I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

.

.

A pool table

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention

Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that

Invention: *crying*

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.