Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

j o i m p

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards

Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?

Me: Drunk!

We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.

The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.

Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”

“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.

“No, lots of wine bags.”

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

[Eating]

Waiter: How’s the meal?

Me: I dunno. Let me check

*pulls out phone

Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram

Waiter: …

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury