Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.

The two types of wives

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

When libraries troll their patrons.

If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

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Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving