[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer![]()
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I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.