Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.

ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*

[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.

If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.

What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.

I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.

{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile

Him: i like you

Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

[forest precinct]

DETECTIVE OWL: HOO

BEAR: I dont know

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: I DONT KNOW

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels