Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*

spider: yeah that way’s fine too

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

Wife: I’m home.

Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-

Wife:

Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…

Wife: what did you do?

dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit

Life hack

Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.

‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

[NASA job interview]

Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!

Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.

Interviewer: Get out.

someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.

Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

Things that are dangerous-

-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.

ME: One time I was attacked by a shark

REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like

ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish