Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
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How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Clients after you give them your rates
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”