Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

There’s never enough good news

eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

Me: My son totaled another car.

Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?

M: yes

P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.

I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me

stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

No one:

London landlords:

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “Efficient.”

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.

The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?

Me: I’m in morning

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men

Butt weight. There’s more!

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?

ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today

WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!

ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?