Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy

Don’t tell me how to lift my baby

Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

Anyone want a chair?

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good

My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.

We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

14: How do you feel about people of color?

Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.

17: But you hate everyone.

14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.

Me: Please shut up.

5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.

dads on road-trips be like

one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire

me: hate mechanics who talk down to me

also me: this guy is perfect

Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.