Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

ME: Hi mirror

BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk

ME: Hi mirror

BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days

ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature

CEO: That’s a great idea

ME: Call it ClinkedIn

CEO: Get out!

Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.

[9 Moscow Mules later]

Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH

The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…

You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*

Take your age and add 5 years to it.

That is your age in 5 years.

In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.

Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

What’s that?

“It’s my pet rock.”

Why does it look sad?

DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.