[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
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Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet