sigh
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Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit