sigh
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If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Windows
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
getting old is fun
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares