sigh
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Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.