sigh
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Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Kids: Stay in school.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
weaknesses
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers