Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

Waiter: pumpkin pie?

Me: ok, …. darling

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?

me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?

cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…

GET DOWN!

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.

When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.

When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.

starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes

Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?

Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.

Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there

Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.

Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

[ riding into battle ]

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY