Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.

“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]

you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

KID: daddy how are idiots made

ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…

My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I’m doing my best

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room

My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

We found love in a hopeless place.

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal

Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.

Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

i prefer mine room temperature.

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.