Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
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itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother