(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
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[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
It do be feeling this way.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.