(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
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[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Made something I’m not proud of
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.