Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.

Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke

My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.

Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.

Me: Eat over your plate.

8-year-old: I am.

Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?

8: Gravity.

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil

what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.

Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day

Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime

*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.

Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes

Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-