sigh
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I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.
Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180