Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife

God: let there be light!

vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

Shank you.

– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

*glances up from GameBoy*

SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

1995: oh cool, an online book store

2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”

I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.

Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?

Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Batman trying to get some sleep during the day

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”

Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.