(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
You Might Also Like
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.