Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call

Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”

[Time is NOT Real Institute]

BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME {coyly}: Time is not real

BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?

ME: Right away

BOSS: …

ME: Oh shi-

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?

wife: you deserve this

me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?

wife: we’ll find out

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?

DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.

[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit

Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again

What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day

Me: What have you written so far?

13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”

M: Good opener.

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.