Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
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ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying things like, “That’s a pretty building.”
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.