sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
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My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
wdym don’t shoot the messenger? take responsibility for your career choices
The internet is magic sometimes.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS