sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
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It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
pelicons
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Headlines With Threatening Auras.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts