Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
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My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.