Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?

Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with

Band: Are you ready to rock?!

Me: I need to pee first.

Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.

I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”

her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”

In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*

Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?

In a pewpewpew

When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*

Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together

Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.

My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?

My husband’s closet:

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆