Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail

Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

Lmao

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.

Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.

Me: Oh great, another reboot!

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.

Friend: why?

Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.

Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.

The sun got the nerve to be out.

Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable