A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
You Might Also Like
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.