Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

Wait a minute

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.

Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath

Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

What have you done…🐈🐾🥴

Sound On..🔊🆙

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰

In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.

Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity

Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.

Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void

Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.

I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”

“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”

Every child ever: No you’re not.

A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS