Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
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Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Cashiers are always checking me out
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Saw this yesterday lol
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.