Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

God: go forth and multiply

Me: [bad at math] what

The fall of Netflix

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?

I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…

my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.

Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.

Moving on.

“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

Mice are just frozen Mwater.

Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.

Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today

ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE

ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.

It’s also raisin free.

And cake free.

OK it’s just rum