Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first date*

her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

me: I like the sound of that

her: mmmmm oh do you now.

me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?

Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.

her: your frog jokes are terrible

me: so i’ve been toad, jen

Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform

It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

How people walk when they’re:

DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

PSYCHIC: I can see your future

ME: Are you really a medium?

PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*

ME: Medium. Son of a gun…

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

– playing “Is it cake? –

Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”

I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”

last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

soldier: is that a picture of your love?

me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?

That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.

If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.