Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now

Me *has read one book all year*

Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket

After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.

I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

🤣🤣🤣🤣

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.

O: Joe…

Biden: Trust me.

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.

If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems

not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh

Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..

DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos

Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby

Me: It’s Abby

Therapist: That’s what you think

*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.