SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
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[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
wishing you and yours all the best
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.