Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.

Jogging

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

8: *gives me a pen*

Me: *takes it*

8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.

dad: i’ve got something special for you.

kid me: wow what is it?

dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-

kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.

TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.

Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.

If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

Easy ladies. The bulge in my sweat pants is just a sleeve of emergency cookies.

“No, it’s not me” 😂💀

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES