Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…

wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

Whats O07s kink?

Bond-age.

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

12: My favorite band is Green Day

Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?

Me: Clifford’s cousin

There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.

“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room

Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

[at the salad bar]

Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]

[adds cottage cheese]

[adds more cottage cheese]

[adds even more cottage cheese]

[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]

Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

Move the bed into the kitchen, bro

IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.

Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.

Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend

Darkness: *rolls eyes*