Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
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getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.