Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one

(invention of the crib)

put that baby in jail

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.

[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.

I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t

a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.

just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money

Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.

Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

Looking for a new spicy potato chip?

-Hot Pringles in your area

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

Me: *Asks question on snapchat*

Them: *Answers question on snapchat*

Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”

My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.