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Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude