Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.

I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.

Well played, little dude. Well played.

In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness

Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.

As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!

The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

when your pet decides to sleep on your bed

Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.

God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.