Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
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So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’