Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
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Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
they split up moments later
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.