Sign of the day..
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[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
This is a true ally.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.