Sign of the day..
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Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
sleeping beauty
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”