Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
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luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous