sign of the times 🖊
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me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
i’m gonna allow it
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.