sign of the times 馃枈
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I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
I pray every night that I never become religious…
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I鈥檓 going to throw up in my cat鈥檚 bed and see how she likes it
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won鈥檛 die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
