sign of the times 🖊
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ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
this is a sign that you need a union
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller