sign of the times 🖊
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When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma